OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY
What an episode team. Idk about any of you, but I was expecting this to be a fun fight a la Hannah Brown and Luke P. I was expecting yelling and a blow up and dramatic storming off. It was going to be dramatic – nay, the most dramatic fight yet. What I was not expecting was what happened this week. UNSUBSCRIBE. This week’s episode was an advertisement for therapy, for learning how to fight properly, and the importance of understanding what your attachment style is. Overall it was brutal.
But before we get into Greg, which, for the record, will be a tirade against him, let’s get into the actual show. But first, as a note:
We start wholesome. We start silly. So naturally we start with Blake. First of all, my favorite part of hometowns is how dumb we are about Canada. Blake is Canadian, so his hometown should be Ontario, where he is from. Right? Wrong. Because as far as we Americans are concerned, Canada has no “cities” or “providences” or anything specific. Nope, we don’t want to hear about Ontario. We just want to see a bunch of hockey and syrup and call it a day. Because that’s all Canada is, eh?
Which is essentially the date! They play hockey, talk about syrup, ride an inflatable moose, play darts, etc. The only real standout to me was the darts because I just went to Flight Club in Seaport, a darts bar that was like bougie bowling and I’m trying to tell everyone I talk to how fun it was in the hopes that I can convince Digitas to make it the location for whatever next team outing we have (in like, 2027 at this rate).
Also yes I will be referencing Ted Lasso at every available opportunity in the hopes that everyone watches it and discusses it with me.
Another highlight of Blake’s daytime date? The fact that production has Greg see! We love to see it. Some say that he was supposed to see Katie and Justin’s date but production was worried it would make him more confident in his relationship with Katie.
Greg starts to spiral and worry that his relationship with Katie isn’t as strong as he thinks it is even though he is VERY CLEARLY the frontrunner.
Cutting back to Blake, he gives Katie a pep talk before she meets his family (“you don’t have to be great, you just have to be you”) and I’m reminded that while I consistently joke about how we know nothing about Justin, we also don’t know anything about Blake. And while I have no idea how ABC thinks they can spin a love story in the final episode to make me believe Katie and Blake are a great match ready for an engagement, I’m all of a sudden wondering if we just aren’t getting any of that footage and they are a solid couple, they’re just boring compared to the other couples they can build up to destroy.
Anyways, we meet Blake’s mom and sister, Katie looking like a school teacher or a middle school girl raiding the nearest Limited Too.
Blake’s sister pulls him aside and absolutely ROASTS him which is the only thing I enjoy about Hometowns which typically bores me. She’s like so ten seconds ago you were into Clare and then you were about Tayshia, and now it’s Katie…? His sister is essentially all of us at home. And Blake has the best smile slow fade where he’s like oh cool you actually aren’t just going to be nice on TV to me, you’re here to bully me and I am HEREEEE for it. I would side-eye my brother soooo much if I was brought on this show, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
No other highlights, although Blake’s mom was cooler than expected and also roasted Blake for not being more open about how he feels and not telling Katie that he loved her yet. We love to see family members keeping it real.
Next up is Justin! The date starts with Justin on the phone with his parents where they basically are like this is absurd we are not flying DURING A PANDEMIC to meet some girl you are “in love with.” There was a moment I was wondering if production just didn’t think Justin was going to make it to the top four (AND BE IN THE F2 HOW HOW HOW) and forgot to get his parents to come to quarantine in time, but I also am team not wasting my time from his parents.
Regardless, we still get the daytime Justin date, which clearly had a production value of $10. Justin shows us Baltimore which apparently is just a horse and carriage ride and some crabs that were likely sitting out in the sun for many an hour.
Nothing interesting is discussed on this entire date because they are so clearly not going to end up together. Only interesting part is that both of them are Team Blue Cheese in the Ranch vs. Blue Cheese debate which is a very controversial topic on the SEO team here at Digitas. Blue Cheese, for the record, is the incorrect answer.
Justin does get his best friends to come to check out Katie though which is honestly probably even better than having his parents there. Don’t get me wrong, I texted my parents and they confirmed they would come if I ever went on, but for the most part my parents are going to like anyone I bring home. Because they are adults. And they understand that if I’m bringing someone home I obviously care about them and even if they don’t see it, they don’t have to date him.
BUT MY FRIENDS?? Absolutely not. If I brought a guy around and my friends hated him they would IMMEDIATELY tell me, potentially in front of him depending on how much he sucks. Even if they liked him they would make comments! My friends won’t even call a guy I’m seeing for more than a month by his name! He just gets a less shitty nickname every week he is still around. Because that’s friendship!! And I’m no better, any time a friend goes through a breakup I won’t even refer to him by his name, he is back to a nickname – and the nickname I *always* start back up with is DEAD TO US which I will shout every time the ex’s actual name is used soooooo…
Peak maturity here.
Anyways I would need to bring a friend to the meet and greet to sus the Bachelor out is the morale of this story.
But back to Justin. She meets the friends, they hit it off, but it’s just so obvious that she doesn’t actually care and that Justin isn’t expecting to go much farther. It’s a fun time, but simultaneously I’m glad we didn’t waste a lot of the show on it.
And then we get to THE DATE.
We start by reenacting what makes up the great state of New Jersey. For those of us counting, we now have a city Hometown (Baltimore), a state Hometown (NJ), and a country Hometown (Canada). None of these, for the record, are towns.
But anyways, onto New Jersey! Nothing much interesting happens (no offense New Jersey) although Greg and Katie played basketball together and Greg opened up about how he and his dad used to play together all the time and he hasn’t since his dad passed a few years ago and this is actually his first time playing since. It’s pretty sweet and sad and again, gotta love to hate the producers building it up to just tear it down in a few minutes.
Next up is the evening portion of the date. Greg and his family are clearly close, we learn that his father’s death left him in a MUCH darker place than acknowledged, and that Katie is totally in on Greg. How do we know that? Because she essentially tells his family that. I have no idea why we were shown all this footage, or if Katie got a talking to from a producer at some point, but she literally tells his mother that if she had to pick a frontrunner it is Greg. She’s full on gushing about how into him she is to anyone and everyone. Except for Greg directly.
Greg then sits down to talk to Katie where he opens up a bit more about how sad he was after his dad’s passing and tells Katie that he had a hole in his heart and she filled it for him. Which, while cute on surface, may I remind you is a reason that people prescribe THERAPY OVER REALITY TV SHOWS. Another human can’t be your life raft, the reason you are happy again, etc. when you haven’t fully processed grief. That is WAY too much pressure to put on someone you’ve been seeing along with 29 other men for eight weeks.
And after unloading that, Greg tells Katie that he loves her. And Katie has THE WORST response to Greg – she says I LOVE LOOKING AT YOU back to him. Let me be frank, I am going to go in on Greg in a little bit. But this was trash. Absolute garbage. I don’t think she deserves Greg’s spiraling and rudeness later, but what a pathetic response. At least pull a Matt James and thank him for sharing that! Or do what all the other leads do and go in for a kiss. Almost literally anything would have been a better choice than that garbage.
Greg agrees! And he goes into a full on spiral. Greg clearly is down to just click skip and get down on one knee now. And when Katie isn’t down to do that he loses his mind. Katie tries to backtrack on her dumb as shit response when he immediately starts shutting down (Alexa, what is an anxious attachment style?) and won’t let her try to explain why she gave such a terrible answer. She starts talking about how she doesn’t want to say I love you until it’s just her and her final pick at the end, because she doesn’t want to be unfair to others (or, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, she actually likes some of the other guys and isn’t as all in on Greg as well all think) or say it before it’s time. And GOD FORBID we don’t go on Greg’s schedule, the star of this show apparently.
I will give credit to Katie here too – she finds a creative number of ways to tell him that he is her person. Such as saying she can see them at the end. Talking about how she can’t wait to move to New York with him after this. Asking him to consider how hard it is meeting other families when she knows it’s him. Telling him he’ll make it another week. Ensuring he gets a rose. Basically saying she wants to run off with him without saying she wants to run off with him.
And for the life of me I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand. I appreciate that once you’re in flight or fight you aren’t as good at listening or understanding what’s going around you, but my man is not picking up anything she’s putting down right now.
Katie and Greg say goodnight and we fade out on what *should* have been the end of it.
But we instead cut to the next morning where Greg has continued to spiral. He and Blake chat where it’s clear Blake, for as much as I don’t like him, is secure, which is a wonderful foil to Greg who has gone off the edge.
So Greg decides to do what we always love to see in relationships: when the first misunderstanding appears you pack your bags and go. Which is so annoying. Like this dude yesterday was all gaga over her and saying how he can see her as his wife and how he was so in love with her and the ONE TIME she doesn’t 100% follow the script you wrote out in your head you’re just going to LEAVE?? Are you KIDDING ME? That’s some bullshit right there.
Greg goes to confront Katie where we see the meltdown begin. Greg approaches this conversation not as someone hoping to have a productive conversation, but as someone who had their ego hurt and wants to hurt someone in return. He is upset that Katie might have been forming relationships outside of theirs and even when she’s apologizing and telling him she understands how she didn’t respond the correct way, and he just demands she leave the show because it doesn’t matter.
To which I (shockingly) have thoughts. FIRST OF ALL, let’s assume that Katie was all in on Greg. What do you want her to do? She signed a contract bro. Word on the street is it’s a million dollar breach if she tries to pull some non-ABC approved shenanigans. What do you want her to do? I get that Clare left last season and Colton jumped a fence, but you know what? With Clare it was Week Four and they had a backup Bachelorette and with Colton nothing is more dramatic than LOSING YOUR LEAD IN PORTUGAL. Do you know what isn’t great TV? Katie deciding two weeks before the end that she’s just not feeling it and telling production she’s bowing out. Sorry but I’ve seen too many seasons where it was clear who was going to win (coughJoJo&Jordancough) but they still played the game. Because they HAD TO.
And SECOND OF ALL, let’s not assume Katie was all in! Maybe – just maybe – she didn’t want to pick someone before Fantasy Suites. And not because oh it’s Fantasy Suites, but because you get 12+ hours of non-camera time with people. Remember Tayshia? Ivan was looking like a great pick until the morning after Fantasy Suites because they had a disagreement about religion. Sean apparently wasn’t going to pick Catherine until Fantasy Suites either. So MAYBE Greg you should just chill and let her spend a ton of time with you first. Or are you worried you won’t be able to keep up your woe is me attitude for that long or another guy is going to have a stronger connection with her? Because if you were ready for a much healthier relationship you would have been fine waiting like three days max to have a private conversation but alas that wasn’t what you wanted and we wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.
AND ANOTHER POINT! I get that Katie had come off as a bit cold the first conversation. I am sure that wasn’t ideal. But you know what, people don’t always say the right thing. And it sucks. But you are a team and you deal with it because you have enough respect for one another to hear each other out. Also the audacity that he keeps cutting her off and talking over her, he comes off so mocking like he didn’t come to say goodbye, he came to hurt her as much as he possibly could.
AND AGAIN, I hate to be like you know what you signed up for, but c’mon boy, if you wanted her to not see other people don’t sign up for the Bachelorette. Katie gave Greg more validation than almost any Bachelorette has ever given a contestant, he should be LUCKY that she was so willing to put up with his whining for so long.
My mom, for context, was watching live also and texted me: “He’s a boy. He would leave that marriage so fast.” Proving YET AGAIN that Mary Beth Hayes is on point with her opinions.
Greg storms off and Katie rushes after him and starts telling him that if he quits she’s going to quit because what would it all have been for if he leaves. Again, SUPER OBVIOUS YOU’RE THE ONE BRO.
But Greg has decided that rather than having a productive conversation or having any sympathy he’s just going to leave. Katie is literally on her knees begging him to stay (WHICH FOR THE RECORD, Katie, you are better than this fool. Get up, if some Sad Boi wants to dump you after the first time you didn’t say something perfectly screw that, go surprise us all and get engaged to Justin) but Greg doesn’t care. He storms off while Katie (according to subtitles) aggressively weeps.
She manages to pull herself together enough to run back to her room and lock herself in her bathroom where she continues to cry. Production finds Kaitlyn who talks to her through the door. This part is honestly wonderful and really highlights how fantastic female friendships are. Kaitlyn talks Katie down slightly and she opens the door where Kaitlyn pops up to rush in and hug her and that’s where we leave off.
Cutting to a commercial before the end credits, may I now remind you that next week is our (THREE. HOUR. LONG.) finale and that somehow BLAKE AND JUSTIN are our final two? How is Justin here? Can anyone name more than three facts about him? Because I certainly can’t and he’s in our top TWO.
And in the final moments, we have the end credits. We normally have a funny clip, but that wouldn’t be the vibe. The vibe apparently instead is…an in memoriam of Katie and Greg’s relationship. Which, while incredibly weird and dark, was also absolutely hilarious. Because let me tell you, I’m 100% doing this for all my friend’s exes moving forward. Told you Dead To Us was a great name.
And to leave you with one more, may I present this picture from the comedy show I watch after the Bachelorette, where my best friend noticed that my mother left a very diplomatic comment that they discussed during the show:
Here’s to next week, may production try their very best to convince me of a love story with someone else after that shit show.
FILL OUT YOUR BRACKETTTTS
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