Happy Wednesday everyone!
I have to be a little quicker today since I got home suuuper late from an MSK happy hour because despite at every minor inconvenience being like ‘people are the worst,’ there are exceptions to the rule and some people are actually pretty wonderful and I miss seeing all of ya in person.
Too mushy too soon? Let’s get cutthroat then.
So full disclosure I missed the first five or so minutes because my laptop was being dumb and my roommate had to step in to save the day (sorry I roast you for forgetting to fill out your bracket every week). If something important happened here sorry but no recap on that.
Where I joined was the guys talking about how there were two 1on1s this date, which should naturally go to the two dudes who didn’t have 1on1s yet. But instead! Good ol’ Greg gets the 1on1, probably because he whines every single week about needing extra validation. Most exciting though? He looks like he wants to DIE when he hears the news.
I guess he cares more about straining connections in the house rather than building one with her? Not a great sign for Katie. Imagine you are hoping to get engaged to someone in like two weeks and this is their facial reaction to a date with you???
Meanwhile we check in with Mike and Brendan who are clearly disappointed to not have that 1on1 time, especially since Katie in theory could be meeting their family’s next week for Hometowns. “Hi Mom, this is Katie, I’ve spent 20 minutes with her combined in the last four weeks” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
We move along to the 1on1 where Katie shows up looking like she is from the GAP catalog and further cementing my belief that they spent $10 on her season combined.
She lets him know that she planned a Hometown date of another variety – she wants to show him Seattle. Admittedly, this date is super cute. My best friend was just in Seattle a few weeks ago and had the best time and any time I’ve been I’ve loved it. But naturally we need to distill this city down to the most basic clichés, so we see them talk about Seattle dogs (note: if anyone knows what this is please reply all), throw fish a la Pike Place Market, and stick gum on a fake Gum Wall.
My favorite part of the date was without a doubt when Katie and Greg are throwing fish and Greg is at first scared of the fish because he didn’t realize it was fake, then continuously gets hit in the face with it, and finally, in a throw back to Katie, completely destroys the light fixtures of the set.
Hope you are ready to pay back that security deposit Greg.
We break from the date to check back into the house, this time seeing Michael calling his son on FaceTime. It’s heart-melting. They talk about how much Michael misses him and how he’s his best friend and I love Michael so much. Also I’m impressed that his son has somehow managed to get more screen time than Brendan has all season.
Flashback to the evening part of Greg’s date. Katie talks YET AGAIN about how she’s afraid he’s going to leave (which makes me wonder what in the world he’s doing to make her think that?) Like Katie had at one point 30 dudes dying to date her so naturally she wants the one who makes her seem like a contestant on his season, who is emotionally unavailable, and makes her feel insecure. I have never related to a Bachelorette more.
Anyways, Greg tries to justify why he’s meh about everything and half tells some story about middle school being hard for him as though middle school wasn’t hard for everyone and talks about how he doesn’t like to let his guard down. Feels fake but whatever, Katie is eating it up. He says that he is falling for her, Katie all but runs off with him, and he gets a rose.
Because they are still on the theme of Seattle, they go outside and production wastes gallons of water to make it rain for a few minutes so they can get their Notebook style photo. Greg acts like he’s never seen rain before and is overly excited but it was cute so I’ll allow it.
The date ends with Katie having an ITM interview where she’s gushing about how much she likes Greg and is talking about how she envisions them getting married and having kids and being happy together forever AND IF THAT ISN’T FORESHADOWING THAT A STORM IS BREWING I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.
RemindMe!3weeks so I can gloat about how right I was.
Back at the house we get a group date card, which has everyone but Greg and Mike on it, meaning Brendan won’t get a 1on1. He says that if he’s not getting a 1on1 why is he there and SAME QUESTION BRO.
He decides he’s going to go to talk to Katie about it which is commendable, almost as much as when he knocks at her door and then has a frantic four seconds where he aggressively applies Chapstick before she opens the door. Poor Brendan, the conversation is not going the way he expects.
In their conversation Katie basically says that she doesn’t think their relationship can catch up to the others but he’s so great yadda yadda yadda so he goes to leave, stopping to say goodbye to Blake. The Internet has informed me that he and Blake are actually besties at home in Canada so it shouldn’t be surprising when he looks more upset to be leaving him than he was leaving Katie.
The group date is next, minus Brendan. The guys show up to an art collection of Georgia O’Keeffe style flower paintings that are yonic in nature.
After meeting the artist and having her tell them about how some are self-portraits and watching the guys get flustered, they move on to an art date. Clearly there was some editing left on the floor because all of the guys make vaguely sexual art pieces but ABC forgot to show the part where they were instructed to do that.
Andrew and Katie chat at some point (in front of everyone) and he asks for some inspiration so they make out (again, in front of everyone) which feels incredibly awkward, but does bless us with another Justin meme.
In classic form, we also get a fully hidden art piece from Blake. I will admit that my dumb self initially thought that he just painted his entire canvas black and was bullshitting how it meant something deeper, but apparently it was instead so inappropriate ABC couldn’t air it at all.
During the group date evening we don’t get anything really special. Blake is surprisingly the most real and says that while he’s not in love with her because it’s been TWELVE SECONDS he thinks they are on track for that and she stresses about whether they are far enough along. Justin paints a better picture for her and they make out. Michael and her talk about their possible future and discuss her potentially meeting his son. And Andrew is super cute and recreates their first date and tells her he is falling for her.
Naturally the group date goes to Michael because he’s precious and Katie can’t wait to meet his son and family next week much like myself.
Next up is the Mike 1on1 date. They go into the middle of the woods (in Arizona? Why do I not know anything about geography? Is it not all a desert??) and change into white pajamas that make Mike look like Jesus. The surprise on the date is that it is a cuddle date.
A professional cuddler is introduced and instructs them through the best cuddling positions which is incredibly awkward but simultaneously fun to watch not being a part of this nonsense.
They have A TON of nervous laughter because obviously this is incredibly weird, but the cuddling expert in an ITM is like if people are laughing it’s not because it’s funny, it’s because it’s awkward, which like obviously? I nervous giggle all the time. Like if some people’s presentation nervous ticks are ‘umms’ and ‘likes,’ mine is an inappropriately timed giggle. And if you’re telling me bad news? I’m giggling, sorry. I’m the worst in an awkward spot so can’t even imagine how much I’d be laughing during a CUDDLE DATE.
They talk a bit about nothing, but the best part without a doubt is when Mike compares Katie to his mom. To her.
And then in an ITM double downs on how great Katie is because she reminds him of his mother.
And then repeats it AGAIN to Katie.
I know I normally only pick one meme per scene, but I felt like it was only appropriate we get one picture per time he says such a dumb statement.
Obviously there is only one available option to Katie after that, and that is to dump Mike. Mike however is wonderful and, much like Connor the Cat, is overwhelmingly kind and tells her that he will be rooting for her even if her journey doesn’t end with him. I aspire for all future breakups to be as good as apparently all of Katie’s are.
Next up is a girl chat between Katie and Tayshia/Kaitlyn. Truthfully I forgot they were on this show for a second because Katie is all but running her season and they pop in for maybe twelve seconds an episode. Naturally I tuned all of this chat out because it felt like they were just recapping what she thinks of everyone and I am watching so obviously don’t need a recap.
There are no longer cocktail parties, so we cut to the Rose Ceremony. Greg and Michael already have one, Blake gets the first at the ceremony, and the last one goes to Justin over Andrew. Which surprises everyone, most of all Justin.
Katie walks Andrew out and they have a brief chat where he is super sad, she’s super sad, and when he drives off she breaks down even more crying and talks about how this was the first decision she wasn’t confident in. My take? She just wanted next week to be easier because Justin so obviously needs to go. But apparently I’m not picking right in this league so take that with a grain of salt.
THE WORST PART THOUGH? It’s 9:40PM. What in the world are we going to fill the next 20 minutes with? We are more likely to skip a rose ceremony than to have extra time left over!
But never fear! It’s got to be ~the most dramatic season yet~ so Andrew knocks on her door the next morning. They act like two adults having a closure conversation after a hard breakup and not like two people who are on a round robin dating tournament and this is a reminder I love Andrew.
As she’s walking him out, Andrew hands her a letter that he tells her to read when this is all over, so she naturally reads it the second his back is turned. It says that if she changes her mind he’ll be waiting (SO STINKIN CUTE) so Katie starts breaking down and I love him so much.
Katie does the only natural thing and chases him down the hall, down the stairs, in her bare feet, to talk with him some more.
They do a dramatic hug, she tells him how much that meant to her and asks him if he would want to rejoin which WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT THE LETTER MEANT. Andrew clearly was like ‘if at the end of this journey / a year later you’re like wow I wish I could date that Andrew guy hit me up’ and not ‘yo do you want to compete for fourth place again?’
Andrew respectfully is like no I will not join after being your FIFTH choice and they hug it out and talk a bit more. We flash to her dropping him off at the car to take him away and they have one final make out and have more closure conversations that highlight that everyone is more mature than me when it comes to breakups. It’s cute all around.
And that’s our show! Next week instead of Hometowns we get the Men Tell All which is a spicy order since it’s normally the other way around. I’m sure we’ll see a bunch of men be SUPER respectful to one another and only lift one another up. Aaron is going to be there, so obviously that’s the only option!
Even though we don’t have a traditional elimination episode, I also encourage people to FILL OUT THEIR BRACKETS so next next week there isn’t a last minute scramble.
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