Happy Wednesday Bachelorette Bracket!
I hope you’re all surviving the heatwave this week – I for one have decided I’m going to adopt my winter survival skills and just never going to leave my apartment again, but alas I realize not everyone is comfortable just going insane after three days. I don’t know how these Bachelor folk do it. Choices people, choices.
Personally, I’m impressed with anyone that picked even remotely right this previous week because I was WAY too confident about some people leaving that apparently I now need to learn the names of?? Not a fan.
We start our episode with the guys sitting around shit-talking Thomas. No new news. My favorite part though is how a bunch of them are complaining that “Thomas is a good talker” and it’s like…have any of you heard him talk? The only reason Katie likes him is because he’s 6’4” and easy on the eyes – every time he opens his mouth he puts his foot in it. Thomas is a terrible talker and in fact, if you want him gone, just encourage him to talk more. (Also, for any of you data nerds out there, Thomas’s name was said 88 times this week and excluding commercials, 52% of conversations revolved around him).
The episode cuts to the group date, or the second of this “week” since last week we only got the one therapy group date and Michael’s 1on1. The date is “truth or dare” if someone who didn’t actually know what Truth or Dare was designed the date. Basically it’s the guys running around the property embarrassing themselves or participating in low-grade torture (the dares) with absolutely no truth until the evening portion of the date where they are supposed to speak their soul (or, more accurately, use “my truth” a ton in a sentence). If you watched and were like hmm where have I seen this before, the answer is last season on the Bachelorette because creativity during quarantine is clearly not ABC’s forte.
Also, question for this group – how is it a group date if Katie’s not even on it? Like she’s sitting on the couch gossiping with Tayshia and Kaitlyn which, tbh, sounds a lot more fun, but she’s not spending time with any of them? And this feels like the A Team date, so in theory she is into everyone here?
Anyways, the guys run around and complete these dares. One of the dares is a food station where the guys are expected to eat an absurd amount of food under a platter, one being Twinkies, one being mashed potatoes, and another being fettuccine. Mike P. (who is the only Mike left so I’m promoting him to Mike and Michael A. to Michael, you’re welcome boys) goes first and eats a disgusting amount of Twinkies while declaring that he hasn’t had a carb IN SEVEN YEARS so really Mike needed something to rip off the Band-Aid and enjoy life again, although who even knows what that is going to do to his digestive system later that day.
There is another station where there is this weird giant ear and the guys are supposed to whisper “sweet nothings” to Katie in it which they don’t know (or are too dumb to realize) that Katie would in fact be listening to what they said. Andrew goes first and dirty talks in his fake British accent – I can’t tell if he’s just really committed to the bit or overdoing it, but he has fun with it so it’s great. And then we get Greg. Greg. Sweet Greg. Greg decides that for his serenade he’s going to list a bunch of states off in a weird voice while shaking it up by naming sex positions. It was very weird and highly uncomfortable and he was way too proud of it when he for all intents and purposes made a fool of himself. I might have caught the ick for Greg here, although I’m hoping it doesn’t last too long.
Across the way the third challenge is also revealed, a waxing station, where the guys are encouraged to wax the hairiest part of their body. Christian goes and waxes Tre’s ass and honestly this is the bromance humor I’m here for. It’s absurd and dumb but also a bunch of guys goofing off which is what makes this show enjoyable.
Finally, we have the habanero challenge. These guys are each expected to eat two habanero peppers and then do a fake proposal to Katie. Andrew immediately begins touching his eyes which is a terrible move someone should have told him about before, Tre does a cute one, and Greg, who is all but melting down post-pepper, does a proposal where he slips in that he loves Katie and now I’m certain I have the ick. She’s all about it but it feels performative and I hate it.
Now that everyone has been sufficiently tortured, we move on to the evening part of the group date. The jealous arc begins to get set up for Greg so when Blake comes in later this season he can be prepped to have a total meltdown, a move a la Kaitlyn/Nick/Shawn we saw a few years ago, which only makes me respect production more.
Katie shows up in the world’s ugliest coat and is whisked off first by Andrew S. Andrew S. mentions how he knows how big of a foodie she is so reveals…a bunch of tacos from Taco Bell, some Lunchables, and sugared candy. Which like, great, but let’s not call ourselves foodies then. Katie and he are cute and make out.
Katie then is shown talking to a bunch of random men, two of which I literally don’t know the names of, and she’s just validating them all left and right. I mean this in the nicest way possible since I understand the appeal of Katie making them all feel special and telling them she likes them all and whatever, but JFC Katie it’s your show. You are the Bachelorette. They can woo you! Can we just have one dude talk to her without mentioning how insecure they are that she might not like them? It’s cringe.
We then get a special feature of her and Greg. Greg talks about being jealous, which I’m sure won’t become apparent at all during any future episodes, ASKS FOR COMPLIMENTS and has Katie tell him she’s falling for him WHICH HE DOESN’T SAY BACK. In fact, he pulls a Matt James and just goes in for the make-out and C’MON KATIE YOU ARE THE LEAD ACT LIKE IT. Why are you doing all the moves first! Wait for them to put in some freaking effort Katie! Greg just sits there doing nothing, him pretending to say I love you during the fake proposal doesn’t count!!
We return to the main room with the guys where it’s turned into a Thomas shit-talking session despite him NOT BEING ON THE DATE and it disintegrates into Tre being team “we need to protect Katie and let her know Thomas is trash” and Andrew S. who is team “Katie is an adult and can make her own decisions.”
While they both have valid points it should come as no surprise I am team Andrew S. Like I get it, Thomas is annoying, but it’s not like Thomas is trying to murder someone – you just don’t like him. Why would you ruin a perfectly good night on a great date to make her feel bad about herself when you could instead have a cute moment with her? Have you forgotten than you don’t only need to eliminate the competition, but you also need to get Katie to like you? That having the other guys eliminated doesn’t mean that you by default win?
But Tre is undeterred and ruins the date by telling Katie that Thomas is only there to be the Bachelor. My man, can’t you just be cool? You all are here to be the Bachelor. Katie went on the Bachelor to be the Bachelorette. That’s just how this works. Just accept it and move on, don’t be all depressing on an otherwise fun date.
Katie ends up giving Tre the date rose which I strongly disagree with, but alas, no one asked my opinion. But because I like giving it anyways, I think Katie’s problem is that on Matt’s season she was the snitch (but for much more serious offenses) so she wants to reward this behavior to validate them coming to her. BUT as a result, she’s created this system in which people get rewarded for all but complaining about people who are just vaguely obnoxious. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.
Date over, we then get a moment where Tayshia visits Katie to talk to her about something important. This was clearly filmed either later or multiple times because Katie is the world’s worst actress during this exchange it’s borderline painful.
Tayshia lets Katie know that “someone from her past” has reached out to her about Katie and wanted to join her season. Which is a weird way of saying “Blake wants to join.” I love Tayshia but must we remind Katie that Blake was on her season? It’s just a slightly nicer way of saying “here are my discarded leftovers, I guess they could still be good for you if you have different standards.”
She then won’t tell Katie who it is which is also weird – if you want it to be a surprise then don’t have the pre-conversation. Also Tayshia was on BIP and had a season of the Bachelorette so your girl has got a ton of people to pick between.
Anyways, we have a loooong shot of Blake getting ready to see Katie and Katie getting ready to see Blake that is meant to build suspense. But my question is…why are they doing this? They’ve teased Blake was coming for legit weeks. Everyone at home knows he’s coming. I’m not shocked it’s Blake. They’ve told me it’s Blake. So why are we now pretending I don’t know who it is??
Whatever. Katie goes to meet Blake and seems unsurprised it’s him, probably because he would talk about how much he loved Katie when she was on Matt’s season on Insta all the time.
This is when I will add my disclaimer about Blake: I didn’t like him on Clayshia’s season. I’m sorry but he was annoying. He made one weird comment about being mad Clare was leaving that didn’t sit well with me and then they made him a comedic relief character. I have been informed I’m too harsh and he’s actually a cool dude who does a lot with wildness relief and he cares about the planet and stuff that’s great, but meh. I’m down to be convinced otherwise but right now I’m not feeling it.
Blake immediately starts the sales pitch when he sees Katie about why he thinks they would be a great fit and I tuned out slightly. He admits that he DMed her when she was on Matt’s season like any aspiring influencer and Katie is very meh about having Blake join (SAME GIRL) because she doesn’t want to mess up any of the relationships she’s currently developing. Blake hits her with his closing pitch, “If it comes down to the end and we connect the way I think we will we will be engaged at the end of this” which is something she clearly really wants, so she tells him she’ll consider his offer as though she even has a choice because clearly production loves mess.
I will give credit where credit is due though: Blake got a glow up pre-Katie’s season and I’m impressed. It’s still not doing it for me, but I appreciate whatever he did to his beard to make it better and I think he also changed something with his underbite? IDK guys cosmetics or anything they do to inspire a glow up (side note: I went on a date this previous weekend and the dude mentioned all he washes his face with is WATER and I hate the unfairness in the world) but I applaud it.
Flashback to the house where we are reminded that Thomas sucks as though we could have forgotten. Aggressive Aaron makes an analogy about him being in thin ice which I’m sure is put in to remind us that Aaron just needs to be pointed at someone to get angry and go after them.
The Girl Squad is assembled for Katie to talk about Thomas. Kaitlyn and Tayshia sit there while Katie gives them the goss and both of them are very anti-Thomas. Katie admits that she was envisioning him being in her F4 which is why she’s so devastated about this Thomas news and I’m struggling to note any interaction they had that would inspire such confidence. Like he’s pretty, yes, but so are the other dudes? And they are able to string a sentence that doesn’t sound like Hallmark approved it first?
Determined to hate Thomas, we go off to the Rose Ceremony. But wait! Someone’s ears were ringing. Thomas dons an almost salmon jacket for good luck and goes to find Katie to “clear the air,” AKA say a bunch of nothing.
He waits for her to tell him what he’s doing wrong first which is smart so he can decide on which story he wants to spin but Katie is smarter and asks him why he thinks he’s there. Thomas admits to being dumb enough to vocalize wanting to be the Bachelor outside and then just love bombs her, which I think is the main problem here. I’m fine with someone being an idiot. Thomas clearly checks that box off. But the inauthenticity of being obsessed with Katie after twelve seconds of interaction? Not buying it. Pack your bags, time to go.
I will say though, my favorite part of the exchange is that Thomas – correctly – tells her that every one of the guys there has thought about being the Bachelor and Katie says with a straight face that there are men in that room that with zero intentions of being the Bachelor and it’s like, c’mon now, that’s not even remotely true.
Katie and Thomas don’t resolve any issues but she agrees to keep him around for the Rose Ceremony, which inspires us to skip ahead to the cocktail party. Everyone is gathered around when Thomas comes in late, telling people that he was with Katie so he could get their conversation out of the way and not take everyone’s time up when we are informed by Christian that IT’S MIDNIGHT and they haven’t even started yet, adding yet another reason I couldn’t be on this show: I’d be passed out asleep for the majority of it.
They naturally get into a fight and Andrew S. defends Thomas (sorta?) and tells everyone to focus on themselves and maybe they wouldn’t have drama because Katie is wonderful and a big girl and can make her own choices and then a lot of dudes yell at him about how they want to protect Katie as though they are her fathers and not her boyfriends (lol) and then Katie comes in so they stop.
She is clearly wrung out (probably because it’s MIDNIGHT) and says she just wants to start the night so Brendan with the terrible hair and weird chest tattoos grabs her first and begins the trend of everyone using their time to bitch about Thomas and it’s like we get it. Thomas sucks. Everyone knows. Do you know what would be cool though? Not talking about it. First of all, Katie can make her own decisions and definitely didn’t even ask some of these guys what they thought. She’s 30. She can handle some opportunist dude. What she clearly can’t handle is EVERY SINGLE GUY BRINGING HIM UP. Do they not get that they need to woo her?? Smh.
We get our three minutes of Michael screentime which is adorable and fresh breath of air. They talk about what their lives would look like post-show briefly and skirt around where they each would like to live which is a VERY IMPORTANT CONVERSATION that many past leads clearly did not have (coughNickViallcough) even with the person they picked. They kiss and I demand more Michael and less whiny boys.
The Rose Ceremony begins (thankfully). Before Katie can even give out one rose Thomas interrupts to give an open apology to Katie, to the men, to production, to the hosts, to all of us at home, to the random birds flying around this terrible resort for…I don’t even know? It feels like he did a Mad Libs apology and threw out a bunch of words that sounded like added up they equaled one big sorry but he didn’t actually say anything. It’s so pathetic it’s almost like Thomas why do you think speaking MORE is going to be helpful here?
Katie gives out roses to Hunter, Greg, Justin, Brendan, Andrew S., Aaron, Mike, James, Josh, Quartney and Andrew M. before then calling out Thomas’s name. Before we even get into the Thomas stuff, may I say that I still have no idea if I’ve ever seen Josh or Brendan say more than a sentence on this show? And the only reason I know James is because he was Box Man and some things you aren’t allowed to forget. But she got rid of some dudes I actually could identify and I’m so confused?? Clearly my poor picks this week demonstrated that. But anyways. Thomas gets his name called and then we cut to a commercial break.
BUT WAIT! When Thomas gets up to get his rose Katie takes a step back and tells him he’s manipulative and unkind and his Bachelor audition ends tonight. Is it over the top? Yes. Do I care? No. It was dramatic, it was surprising, and, most importantly, it was telling the guys left that Katie will give you the tongue lashing of your life if you so much as step out of line.
I will give Thomas credit that he is respectful and walks off with grace, probably onto a plane to take him immediately to Bachelor in Paradise. And while there are debates on the Internet if Katie was too harsh, let me assure you Thomas will be fine. He had a 35.4% growth in Instagram followers in the 24-hours since the show aired and all his faults will surely be forgotten by the time ABC picks a new villain next week.
Katie does the cheers with the guys and then goes to give out her final rose, this one to Blake.
Let me start off by saying I know I shat on Blake earlier, but this end was without a doubt the cutest part of the episode for me. She knocks on his door, presumably at like, 4AM considering this cocktail party didn’t START until midnight, and while I normally don’t buy that “surprise” visits are surprises, Blake 100% looks confused and surprised to see Katie.
Naturally he’s just in boxers because he needs to stay on brand and it’s the middle of the night so he runs in to put a hoodie on and get a breath mint and is trying to wake himself up while Katie says some stuff about following her gut and she asks him if he’d like to stay and he obviously says yes because as the saying goes, the third Bachelorette is the charm. They hug, she leaves, and he looks befuddled at what just happened. And the best part? In his rush to get out to see Katie, he locked himself out of his room. And as we all know by now, there is nothing I love more than these men looking stupid and confused on camera.
And that’s our show! As a reminder, as if you needed one, we are off Thursday-Tuesday so if you are participating in the league FILL IT OUT NOW BECAUSE YOU WILL FORGET. I might send a reminder on Monday, I most likely will forget myself and won’t, so get them in now to continue your quest for domination.
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